Mice out of hand? Sez you!

Submitted a month ago
Created by
Edwin Garuth

So here’s where things stand. I’ve been getting messages on my computer from… someone.

Who tells me that the placid gray cat across the road, whose name happens to be Feathers, is inhabited by the soul of Horace Greeley. That there’s an allegedly standoffish mouse named Aerial O who’s an ex-actress living in my garage. That the owl whose calls wake me up deep in the summer night is actually a reincarnated right-wing talk-show host.

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And that, to top everything off, I have a former human being who’s now a mouse living in my walls. Who’s taken up typing. And is trying to shame me into getting rid of our mouse traps. And is trying to pass this whole thing off as a 21st century archy and mehitabel -- which, if you’ve never read it, you should.

This has to be a hack.

“Look,” I wrote that evening. “archy and mehitabel was fiction. Don Marquis was a newspaper columnist who made the whole thing up. A century ago! As for the traps, here’s a deal: you and your whiskered friends stop pooping in my house and eating my food and making your nests in my walls, and I’ll get rid of the traps. Or better yet, whoever you are: Stop messing with my computer -- I’m running anti-virus software tonight. It’s been fun. So long.” I set my anti-virus buddy Kaspersky to running and went to bed.

The next morning, there was no virus report screen waiting for me. Instead, I found this:

Sir, really. that’s not going to help, i’m not a virus i’m a mouse. And seriously, do you have a clue how hard it was to open your doc tab? i had to jump on your trackpad. like five or six times. And then i’m reading the valley news you left open and what do i see? “upper valley mice are out of hand.” what the heck are they talking about? “explosion of rodents gnaws at homeowners, pest control.” you know what's out of hand? bad puns in headlines.

oh and people trying to kill us, that's what's really out of hand. winter’s coming. of course we’re moving inside. you ever try to live outside for months in sub-freezing temps? forgive me, i’m a little steamed. Aerial said the other day “people are louses” and when i asked her what made her say that she said “how long do you have?” and i told her she was wrong but now i’m not so sure. Sir, we can’t help it, we’re mice. eating and pooping is what we do. or in my case also reading and writing. i pour out my soul to you and you try to snap my neck. i would still like to read about the sox please. or did you recycle already? oh, and speaking of s-x horace was telling me -- at a safe distance, don’t worry -- about sex surveys in schools here. what’s up with that? in my day parents just handed us a pamphlet and told us to go read it. thank you for the oatmeal in your pantry. could you get steel-cut next time?


Up next: "An Owl Crows, A Cat Says 'I've Seen Worse'"

Want to get caught up? Start with "Sir, i don't want my neck snapped"

And just who is racy h? "Seriously, A Typing Mouse?"


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