Squirrel Announces Write-In Candidacy for Governor

Friends, I don't need to tell you it’s been a rough season for squirrelkind. Reports keep pouring in about the record numbers of squirrel bodies flattened or, worse, still twitching by the roadside. And why? A bumper crop of acorns, they say.

A bumper crop of lies.

I can no longer sit idly by as these stories continue to spread. Nor can I scurry across the street. Way too dangerous.

I am officially taking a stand for squirrel everywhere. For squirrel on Main Street and squirrel trying to live peaceful in the trees. Wherever nuts have scattered and squirrel pack their cheeks, there I stand. But well off to the side.

Today I am announcing my write-in candidacy for Governor of Vermont. Because it’s about time squirrel had a voice in Montpelier. A voice like a chihuahua with a hacking cough, but a voice for all.

This November, I beg of you: bring a functioning ball-point pen to the voting booth and simply write “Squirrel” on your ballot.

Vermont needs a Governor that is Squirrel. Someone more than squirrel-y.

I will not rest until I’m standing high up on the Statehouse dome, my tiny arms full of acorns, uncertain how I’ll get back down.


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