I'm Nothing If Not Socially Awkward


Submitted a year ago
Created by
Lisa Nichols

When I walked into CVS yesterday, an employee met me at the door. His exact words were:

“Hi. May I help you find anything today?”

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I opened my mouth to respond and could not think of a single thing to say. No one at a CVS had ever asked me this before. 

He didn't say, “Are you finding everything okay,” which is a different question, with an easy answer of “yes,” because of course you are. Literally, finding everything.

But this phrasing had me stumped. Say something, you fool! He'll think you're having a stroke! A few answers flashed through my mind while I stood there gaping at him:

“No. I don’t like to be followed.” 

“Sure, please help me find All the Things. Let’s go!”

“Yes. Toothpaste? Q-tips? Batteries. Shampoo. Socks. Also we need laundry detergent. And wrapping paper. And I'm sure I need a wrench for some reason. And...”

No good.

Meanwhile, this person was still smiling at me, waiting on my response. 

“I’m just here to – “ 

Again I paused, because, "I’m just here to wander the aisles on my lunch hour,” while true, seemed sort of pathetic to say out loud.

“I’M JUST HERE TO BUY STUFF,” I blurted. 

I ducked down an aisle, taking huge strides to give the air of someone who knows what they're doing. 

I left 20 minutes later with fifty dollars worth of stuff.

It was the most accurate answer I could have given. 

*****

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