Bioengineering for Woodchucks

Submitted 2 years ago
Created by
Henry Homeyer

Va-Boom Beans!

Gardeners everywhere are excited. Woodchucks, the nemesis of gardeners, are not. Through the miracle of bio-engineering a new solution to the problem of woodchucks eating the green beans has been solved. The new product called, “Va-Boom Beans” is the solution.

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Yes, this bio-engineered bean is a product of Minesanto, a subsidiary of another company that has been working on genetic solutions to problems like bugs and weeds. Now Minesanto has the perfect solution to woodchucks, too. But let’s first look at other efforts to solve the problem.

For years researchers have been trying to find a way to control woodchucks. Could they introduce a new psycho-active green bean that would confuse the fat, hairy beasts? Perhaps get them to run across the road, like the proverbial chicken? But slower, and with deadlier results? No. Woodchucks, unlike chickens, do not want to cross the road. They want to stay in your vegetable garden, eating your beans and lettuce.

And then there was the attempt by southern animal shelters to move great numbers of vicious dogs to the north to terrorize the woodchucks. Rottweilers and pit bulls (some, allegedly, crossed with wolves, wolverines and wolf-bats). Pet owners south of the Mason-Dixon Line are opposed to spay and neuter programs so they have no problem with woodchucks down there.

Yes, woodchucks of Alabama and Arkansas have been migrating north for years to avoid those vicious animals. But the southern dogs are happy live in the South, and do not want to move north to be neutered and made to wear raincoats, snowsuits or booties. They want to stay in the south – and terrorize the few woodchucks still remaining.

Vicious dogs ready to "Go get the woodchuck!"

Some southern shelters have advertised their dogs as “Woodchuck Wonders”, but Vermonters have not responded well to their plan. In the Live Free or Die state there has been a mixed response.

So what does the Va-Boom Bean offer you? This GMO bean is so full of gas-producing proteins that any woodchuck that eats even a dozen will inflate like a helium balloon and float up into the sky. And then, Va-Boom they pop and fall to the ground. End of problem. No Hav-a-Hart traps needed.

Early tests of Va-Boom Beans are encouraging

Va-Boom Beans should be available at a Super-Sized Store near you. Just ask. But be careful. Don’t let Aunt Mildred inadvertently cook up a big pot of them. You might be in for a nasty surprise. And perhaps a lawsuit from her husband, Uncle Larry. Start your seeds indoors today, April 1.

Do you have a solution to the woodchuck problem? Grandma with a 20-20? Leave your comments below. 

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