Sometimes I do need to rest after taking a shower, and mid-way through the day, I need my nap. And this morning, when I went to hug my wife goodbye, I couldn't lean all the way down because my body hurt far too much to stretch.
I just turned 31 years old last week. I was 29 when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic pain syndrome but, there are clear indicators that I was sick long before that.
I could be angry all the time. It is especially infuriating to be limited by my energy when I'm doing things with my daughter. Every little thing I do takes more energy than it would the average person (read the Spoon Theory). Being angry eats up a lot of strength, it's so not worth it.
Instead, we've all made the illness an entity in itself - when things get rough, it's "Darn you, fibro!" and on we move the best we can. It's easier on me not to have to blame something internal all the time. Like I did something wrong. Some days, it's all I can do to lay down on my daughter's bed while she plays and I do the voice for one of the toys.
This year, for the first year since my ex-husband and I separated, I was child-free on Oscar Sunday. I have wanted to go to Revolution's Oscar Party since I first heard about it five years ago or so.
I was thrilled, I could go! My wife was excited. It was going to be great. Until Sunday turned into an argument between my fibromyalgia and me.
Sunday morning my family held a belated birthday breakfast for me! But.... I forgot to bring my gluten-free pancake mix. I decided to celebrate anyway with my dad's awesome pancakes.
Sunday midday - my fibromyalgia said, "Why did you eat gluten? Now your muscles are inflamed, dummy."
To which I responded, "Yes, I know. But I will nap, and take some herbs etc., to help with the inflammation."
Sunday afternoon - my fibromyalgia kicked up a notch, "You still have to go get finishing touches for your outfit, so you have to go into town early. The party doesn't even start until 7, you won't be home until LATE. You hurt everywhere despite your medication, arnica, herbs, and nap. Heck, what nap? You can't even sleep."
"SHUT UP!" I yelled back.
Sunday late afternoon/early evening - I finally came downstairs and said to my wife, "Wife, I don't think I can go tonight. I don't think I can handle staying awake, plus I hurt everywhere."
Wife responded, "That's ok honey, come snuggle. I'll make you tea and we will watch a movie."
and that sounded just right.
Until Monday morning came. And I saw some photos of some of my favorite people.
"I hate you, fibromyalgia. Today, I hate you," I said.
*All of the above is true. I don't mean to offend anyone else with a chronic illness.